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28
Much of the resentment and friction which occurs in families
where there is an old person is unnecessary. The primary complaint
made to me is that the family cannot go out together and leave
the old person. My experience is that there are very few old persons
who cannot be left alone for a half day, or an evening while the
family have some recreation. What few there are could have the
occasional services of an official day attendant, of a volunteer
from a church, or of a friendly neighbour. I have met with refusals
from offspring to accept offers of such help. These same offspring may
have been most bitter in their complaints about being tied to the
house. A common reason for the reluctance to accept help, is a
false sense of guilt about leaving the aged parent, or a false idea
that should an accident occur during their absence, some official
will censure them for being away from the house. Over protection
of old persons often leads to a state of complete dependence and
a genuine need to have someone at hand at every moment. I am
frequently told "I do not let mother go out now as she might be run
over", "I have told father that he will catch pneumonia if he goes
out to his club in this weather*. The habit of going out is broken, the
incentive lost, once housebound there is a great temptation to the
old person to become bedridden too. How much wiser it would be to
advise the old people always to use a pedestrian crossing, and
to cross with younger persons when possible, to see that they
have a hot, nourishing meal and wear a warm vest before going
out in wintry weather, and then let them go their way, thankful
that they still have the strength and desire to get out and about.
Houseproudness is another frequent cause for the rejection
of the assistance which would bring opportunities for relaxation,
or allow a younger person to go out to business. Housewives who
keep mother and father confined to a bedroom or to a chair rather
than do away with the slip mats, or roll up the carpets which are a
danger to shuffling feet are many. So are those who refuse to have a
commode in the house or a bed on the ground floor because it would
spoil the look of the room or disorganise existing routine. Mealson-Wheels
have often been refused by relatives who have said
"I do not want a stranger to enter my house while I am out. They
might spill some food or have muddy shoes". I am sorry to say that in
a few homes the goods and chattels are valued above the comfort
and well being of some or all of the human beings who make up the
family. I try to remember that this may well be a manifestation
of an anxiety neurosis built up by the strain of having to care for an
old person. An excuse which I deplore is "what will the neighbours
think if they see meals being delivered?" This fear of losing face