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sometimes leads to an old person having to make do at midday with
a stale sandwich and with tea put into a flask at breakfast time.
If the person is well cared for and the relative's conscience clear
does it matter one iota what any outsider thinks9 If the relative is not
happy about the care he orshe is able to give but cannot improve upon
it, then what neighbours think is of importance only if the said
neighbours are willing to give practical help, orcan give advice about
obtaining practical help from some other source.
Many old people owe a great deal to neighbours who shop,
cook, clean for, and comfort them both in times of sickness and
in some instances, on a long term basis. I often marvel at what is
done. There is a legend that in the British Isles true neighbourliness
is found only in the Midlands and North. I say that the Southerner,
admittedly more reserved in the main, is equally neighbourly in
adversity, and if there are any delays or gaps in the official services
I find that as long as the old person will permit it, neighbours
willingly make good the deficiencies.
My advice to persons who have an ageing relative or friend
living with them is this. If you wish to avoid a problem do all in your
power in an unobtrusive way to encourage the ageing to remain
independent. Never succumb to the temptation to wait upon them
in such matters as washing and dressing them because you can do it
for them much more quickly. If you do the old person will lose his
skills and be unable to help himself when you are unwell yourself,
or wanting to leave him alone; or he may so enjoy being pampered,
and become so accustomed to having you with him that he will
deliberately put on an act of helplessness and refuse to accept
attention from any substitute person. Forget your fears about whether
he may be ran over, catch cold, fall downstairs or burn himself.
In the same way that you let your young children find their wings
by taking reasonable risks, so you must let your old folk retain their
freedom by doing the same. Clipped wings will mean extra responsibilities
for you, and a miserable aimless existence for them. Also,
if the old person wishes to help with household tasks accept the
offer. The result may not be as you would wish it, but most old
people like to feel that they are being useful. I wince when a daughter
says to me "I do everything myself, there is no need for mother
to lift a finger". This sort of remark is most often made in a precisely
neat clinically clean house, and I find more depressed withdrawn,
apathetic old persons in such houses, than I do in homes which look
a little the worse for wear and tear, and rather untidy.